The Weekly Slanderer

9-Nov-2001 | UPDATED WEEKLY

World News

Beijing Awarded Olympic Game’s, 2008 Prisoners Executed in Celebration
Chinese interpreter Tee Cheng Kwok yesterday confirmed the government had indeed executed 2008 political prisoners in celebration of Beijing being awarded the year 2008 summer games. “It was beautiful,” said Kwok, “the prisoners were honored to be allowed to participate in our moment of national pride. In respect for the worldliness of The Olympics Games, many of those assassinated had international ties: some dissidents from Nepal and Tibet, a few Taiwanese, an American spy and his family. This is so special, the biggest mass execution we are willing to discuss. China is honored to be the host of 2008’s biggest party, but please do not piss off the big red chaperone.”

Movie Reviews

The Fast and The Furious Intellectual Showdown

Universal Picture’s latest offering, The Fast and The Furious, is a startling masterpiece in which fast cars and attractive young actors symbolically represent both the subtlety and the grandeur of daily existence. The dialogue is crisp and deep, the action is more than plausible and the plot is beautifully layered. The only possible regret is the constant references to other great works of art, making the film shamelessly elitist and perhaps beyond the understanding of the average viewer.

Area Mobster Sees Blood, Brain Tissue Splattering of Virgin Mary

In what he's calling a miracle "straight the fuck from Heaven," local hit-man Vinny "The Weasel" Antinori witnessed a blood and brain tissue splattering in the shape of the Virgin Mary. Said Antinori: "It just appeared there on the wall, right after I blew Joey Belutti's fuckin' head off." Antinori's partner Frank "Tony" Palazza said the Virgin Mary had run considerably after he got back from "shuttin' Joey's wife up," but that he didn't doubt his partner's religious experience. "You see" explained Palazza, "Normally when you does someone execution style you use a .22, but mine wasn't workin' too well so Vinny says he'll use his .38. Next thing you know, bam, Virgin Mary all over the fuckin' walls. If Vinny says it's a miracle, it's a fuckin' miracle. Hey you in the cheap suit, what the fuck you lookin' at?"

Antinori feels that the splattering was a message from God telling him to continue his criminal ways. "I was feeling a little down 'cause me and Joey grew up together on the south side. I've known him all my life, and now I gotta whack him? But then The Virgin Mary comes down and lets me know it’s okay, and she knows ‘cause she don’t fuck or nothin’, right. That splattering, that's the only time Joey ever used his brains, know what I mean?”

Local paramedic Dan Whitcroft thought the splattering looked more "like Doogie Howser from Starship Troopers. I'm sure it's run a lot, especially the blood part, but now it's definitely a message for me to return those movies to Blockbuster. Man that Starship Trooper's was a piece of shit."

Back Issues of The Slanderer

Email Us

Other Comedic Writing Sites:
Digital Comedy Nipple