American Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Admitted yesterday that the world’s largest power was having trouble recruiting troops to strike back at any country’s aiding and supporting terrorism in an manner. “We were looking at non-reusable stealth infiltration troops,” said Rumsfeld. “You see, just as they used our own planes to attempt to destroy symbols of our power and prosperity, we too would like strike with their own, at their own, in this case with camels soaked in oil, lit on fire and charged into their oil wells. The only problem we’re having is finding any one to ride the animals. Yeah, there’s a lot of depressed jockey’s out there but apparently none of those candy-ass midgets are patriotic enough to end their pathetic mutant existence by kicking some ass for the good ol’ USA.”

Paradise may never be the same after newcomer Mohamed Atta discovered one the many assured virgins for Paradise dwellers use was in fact not virginal. “This is outrageous,” screamed Mohamed, who has already made a name for himself upon discovering that kiwi was not of the fruits he would eat for all eternity. Witnesses overheard Atta proclaim he would destroy cloud nine if things didn’t improve. Allah confirmed that the re-virginizer used in Paradise seemed to be working fine, but he would inspect all virgins to be extra sure. “Man, those guys are touchy and a bit intense,” said Allah, “Where’d they come from?”