Astronomers from around the globe have confirmed what many have suspected would happen sooner or later, that the universal laws of physics are beginning to slacken as our galaxy, The Milky Way, matures. “It appears that things aren’t so tight for The Milky Way any more,” said Professor Joseph Wells of Cambridge, “for instance, usually our galaxy is traveling about 600km/s, but if it’s Friday night it may travel up to 800 or 850 km/s, and as slow as 300km/s Saturday mornings, depending how the week went for the universe and the galaxy. The universe is also not as worried about who The Milky Way hangs out with. In the past our galaxy was often coupled with Andromeda, but lately has taken more interest in Sagittarius Dwarf Galaxy, which only seems natural. And as a further sign of our Galaxy’s maturation, he would now prefer to be called The Milk Way.

Local anchorman Chuck Philips asked friends and family to begin spreading rumors about his sexuality in an effort to propel himself to the top the local celebritydom. “All the top celebrity’s have a rumor about being gay,” said Philips, “and as Channel Nine’s news anchor for seven years, I think I deserve one as well.” Co-workers of Philips were unsure as to whether they would oblige his request or not. “I’ve called him an asshole several times,” said Glenda in makeup, “and I’ve been referring to him as that arrogant son of a bitch” said cameraman Stu Crane, but “we’d rather not spread any rumors that aren’t true” said fellow reporter Allie Carson, who confessed to scratching ‘Fucking Prick’ into Philips Mercedes last fall.