Olympic rowers Betsy Taylor and Mary Louise Tenneson have begun recording their version of the Huey Lewis hit I Want A New Drug. “It’s really a love song,” said Taylor, “about how good the person feels when he’s with this chick, you know. It’s all natural, just like us, and especially our urine.” Taylor and Tenneson were chosen for the song due in part to their harmonizing voices. “We sound fantastic together,” said Tenneson, “like African Americans on a chain gang. We’re not black though, none of us, but that’s not ‘cause we’re racist but because rowing is an elitist sport.”

Vanessa Kurt, model and aspiring actress will be drawing deeply from her well of emotional scars during this weeks taping of friends. “In grade eleven, after my boyfriend Roy didn’t win the football MVP, I really chunked up to about 115, then he totally dumped me for that anorexic whore Maggie Dupont. It’s this kind of deep scarring and rage that has my character on Friends seem so distant and withdrawn.” Vanessa’s character play a video store clerk asked out by Joey when she accidentally gives him a pornography tape. “She’s smart and strong willed but reserved, you know, a little mysterious... she’s traveled a lot and doesn’t feel the need to conform to our society’s ways. She comes across as invincible but she’s got a secret weakness.” Although Vanessa insists she’s “totally in character” she had yet to memorize her seven lines.