Husband and wife researchers Bob and Sally Winkles reported during a news conference yesterday that comas, especially the ones coming perilously close to death, are a great high, way better and cheaper than cocaine or heroine. “Oh yeah,” said Bob, “It’s totally awesome, perhaps somewhat of a risk, but man what a feeling!” Sally concurred, stating, “our research so far shows these coma’s are the best trip ever. There’s no better way to spend your valuable time.”

The research, funded by SPNS, or The Society for the Promotion of Natural Selection, is seen as suspect by other members of the research community. “Sure, the SPNS has had some controversial moments,” said Bob, “such as their Sterilization for Drugs program and the So You Didn’t Pass High School His/Her Chastity Belt. But this is different, I mean, we don’t want these kids to find out about the great high and total satisfaction that near death coma’s are offering. You see, this press conference is so you respectable media types will help us keep this a secret from the kids. ”

Research conducted at a local playground proved the story had already leaked to the children. According to Troy Anthony, kids have known about this at least since the second grade. “My friend Joey Thurman, his brother was in a coma, and he said the colors were so vivid, man. Spiders and stuff were crawling out his catheter, and, well, Black Sabbath sounded so cool. It was the best eight years of his life.”