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Unfortunately for many people, the report that Britain's Royal Family had perished in a blazing inferno were proven to be false yesterday. Reuters spokesperson Daniel Monroe confirmed yesterday that the entire family was indeed alive and well. "It's too bad" said Monroe, "But it seems it was a different multi-generational, matriarchal, inbred family all living at the same address who died. I mean, what are the chances?" The blaze occurred on a tiny plot of land high up in Virginia's Smokey Mountains. The entire family is believed to have perished except Cletus Junior, now the sole member of the Danfield Clan. Cletus is said to have been using the family's outdoor washroom facility when the blaze started. Inspectors speculate the fire started in the main room of the one room shack, killing all fourteen inside. Cletus Junior suspects the origin of the inferno may have been the "big ol' fire pit we be usin' fer cookin' squirrel an' such." Fire inspector Anne Weston declared that any case involving the deaths of fourteen valuable members of society was indeed a very high priority, but that foul play was not suspected and she had closed the case after an extensive investigation by telephone. Media analyst Merv Hutchison called the similarities between the Royal family and the Danfield's startling. "I'm not making any excuses for Reuters or anything, but it sure is bizarre. This seems to be more than just wishful thinking. " Cletus Junior himself admits that it's eerie how the two families seemed to mirror each other. "Jus' like tha' Prince Charles "says Cletus," I ain't got no job or nothin'. I jus be spendin' ma time huntin' an' sittin' around an' stuff. An' jus' like them Royals, Granny's tha one who be makin' all the choices an' stuff. She like the clan sparkplug who keepin' everyone goin'. An' jus' like that Charles fella, I wish I was a diff'rent kind o' plug." Other startling similarities between the families include neither paying any taxes until recently, poor dental hygiene, questionable sexual practices and the remarkable ability to disgust people from both close and afar.
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