Officials at Slayco confirmed yesterday that they had recalled their Extinguisher 4500 series suicide machines after several complaints and a failed safety test. Spokesperson Annie Taite said this about the recall: “Obviously the government is bowing to a small but powerful group of lobbyists, those few who abhor premature death. Yesterday we had clean and dignified suicides, with a last meal cooked in the easy bake oven, which also doubles as a self cleaning crematorium, and ones last breath scented with one of four smells from our potpourri sprayatrons. Now we’re back to the sloppy, misfit deaths of those who can’t make it in our liberal, handout society. You decide what’s best.”

Government spokesperson Ned Botticella explained that the Extinguisher series was faulty on several levels, including missing assembly instructions, broken parts and false advertising claims. “The Extinguisher series is hardly the machine I’d use to snuff out my existence, hell, this thing’s more pathetic and faulty than the people trying to use it.” Botticella pointed to several of the factors that instigated the recall. “The machine claims to have 20 variety’s by which to terminate the user but number 12: Heart Disease, and number 17: Time, are highly suspect. We have some pretty pissed off people who set the machine to random and now are just sitting around depressed, doing nothing, when they could be dead.”