The Weekly Slanderer

6 July 2001 | UPDATED WEEKLY

National News

Rhode Island, Delaware Combine to Form Super State

GreatBigCapital City -- In a move as vast as their newly formed territory, Rhode Island and Delaware have announced they have combined their two land masses politically and formed the first Super State, Rhodaware. Super Arch Governor Larry Hensen announced the move was effective immediately, and suggested “those lesser states make way before they’re the first to receive a Rhodaware asskicking. Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you Texas.”

People

Underachiever Reaches Life Long Goal at 23
New Jersey -- Friends and family members gathered to congratulate Dwight Trent upon the completion of his life long goal. Said the elated and celebratory Trent, "Although I've never really tried at anything, I found that setting my goals really low allowed me the satisfaction of achieving them. Now I can stare death fearlessly in the eye as a Burger King supervisor." Trent's father shared in his son's jubilation, but also stated that perhaps death could be thwarted until his son moved out of the fucking garage. Pergatory—Tag-Team duo Satan and Jeffery Dahmer regained the Afterlife Heavy Weight Tag-Team belt during a grueling but exciting match last night. The Heavenly Duo of God and The Holy Ghost were in complete control until Christ, The Sexy Sinners new manager, smote The Holy Ghost with a ring side chair while Dahmer distracted the referee.

Olympic Games Change Rules, Now Give Medals to Contestants Who Have Most Fun

Athens -- International Olympic Committee Chairman Juan Samaranch announced today that the award structure for the Olympic games has been altered. Participants will now be judged on how much fun they have instead of actual achievement. “It’s about time,” said Bobby Sanderson’s mom, who has insisted for years that having fun is what matters in sports. The Olympic committee revealed that the actual structure of the games will remain intact, although instead of keeping time or score, judges will be used to rate the athletes on their enjoyment and enthusiasm.

Doris Whitby, a long time non-watcher of the Olympics, felt the idea was a step in the right direction. “It’s always been so…competitive, I mean, most of the people lose, don’t they? It must affect their self esteem, those poor dears!” Dan Sanchez, a minor league baseball coach, was relieved to hear the news. “It’s the end of the hypocrisy in sports. For so long I’ve been lying to these kids and pretending competition was about winning and domination. Now with the help of The Olympic Games we can take it easy and laugh at the loser kids instead of benching their uncoordinated asses.

Although the exact nature of the judging has yet to be worked out, Olympic Committee members were confident they could easily find a method agreeable to all. Committee members were reportedly looking at qualifiers such as: size and brightness of smile, sparkle in eyes, bounce in step and loudness of hoots and/or hollers. “This may even bring an end to the need for a separate Special Olympics,” said Samaranch, “although, for obvious reasons, there will still be a need for drug testing.”

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