In an unprecedented move yesterday, local telemarketing firm CBM National announced the beginning of what they are calling "Casual Fuckin' Fridays". Company spokesperson Wendy Burgess calls the move an advancement in the field of employee relations. "Other companies allow their employees to dress down on Fridays," explains Burgess. "But here at CBM we're allowing them to dress down their language." Burgess acknowledges the risky nature of the move and said the policy will be changed "if the shit hits the fan."
Fifteen year veteran Lloyd Appleby describes the move as much needed. "It's tiring, saying the same thing over and over every day. I mean, we all know only the Excel Super-Vac can get that shit out of your fucking carpet, but now I can say it." Appleby also hopes the move will relieve stress when the telemarketers encounter a hostile customer. "Ain't my fault we're calling during your supper, I don't make the schedule. I'm just doing my job so fuck you, alright."
CBM National contracts out its services to many local companies, including Dodgeson and Young Insurance and The Benevolent Hand of God Charities. According to CBM National VP Jeff Anders, all contracting companies were contacted and their opinions on the change were weighed heavily. "We weren't going to make the move if it was going to piss anyone off," said Anders. "Even the slightest hesitation from any company and we'd have sent this thing right down the shitter."
Randolph Helton, junior partner at Dodgeson and Young, said he gave the idea "Two big motherfuckin' thumbs up. I mean, what asshole wouldn't have life insurance?" Dorothy Evans at The Benevolent Hand of God said the move was a little confusing for her, but little in today’s world made sense since Cronkite retired.
The buzz and electricity from the move could be felt throughout CBM's South Street facility. Many of the employees were jubilated by the news. "This is the highlight of my career so far," said six year veteran Liz MacGill. "I don't usually swear but it's nice to know I'm allowed to on Fridays." New employee Rich Wagner was "Fuckin' blown away by the news. I thought they were gonna say we could wear anything we wanted to, but I already wear the same pants and Ozzy shirt everyday. Man, maybe I'll even like working at this shithole." Wagner was then fired.
